Casket to Go

I thought I had seen it all until today. I was doing what every other corporate android does when she is stuck on an endless conference call - online shopping. I was cruising one of the popular wholesale stores (we'll call it "CashGo" just in case anyone who can sue me reads this blog) for Christmas ideas when something caught my eye at the top of the page.

Amongst the shopping category buttons, right there below "appliances" and right next to "furniture" was this: "funeral." I thought I was seeing things, but there it was, unabashedly staring back at me.

There are too many questions to even ask. What was the original business case for this? Were people boycotting funeral homes all over America and burying their loved ones in homemade coffins because caskets were too expensive? I didn't even know that caskets could be sold wholesale. It's kind of a personal choice, which is why, I would imagine, funeral homes do not keep a lot of on site inventory.

I was obviously not the first to ponder this because I quickly found a funeral frequently asked questions page. Sure enough, the first question was "why is CashGo selling caskets?" The response was straightforward enough: "as a service to our members." I have profound respect for CashGo's model. They value your business so much that they even want to support you when you're dead. That is true customer satisfaction. Like with their other products, CashGo provides you with multiple views of your eternal resting place and some excellent product descriptions. You want to be sure that you stave off decomposition for as long as possible. CashGo conveniently offers next day shipping as well, but warns that "Acts of God" as well as inclement weather may delay your casket's arrival. I thought for a minute about whether I could think of anything other than weather that could be considered "an act of God" but other than dying, none came to mind. CashGo ups the brand loyalty ante just a little bit more with their coffin guarantee and return policy (only cosmetic damage incurred during shipping is a viable return, so don't even think about coming back to life). What really sold me is that CashGo also recommends some items to go with your casket. A spray, perhaps? Maybe a flag casing or nice marble keepsake?

You will be happy to know that urns may also be purchased in the online funeral department. I wonder if it feels weird for people to be adding a casket to their online basket along with some bulk tuna fish and pistachios.

I guess Emily Dickinson was right. Because we cannot stop for death, death allows us to conveniently handle funeral arrangements without missing a latte or spinning class.

CashGo, consider me a member for life - and death.

-G

Don't Let the Bitches Get You Down

You're going to be hearing a lot about my work experiences on this blog - there's just too much good raw material to waste!

I work in corporate america. After many years post-college spent in production work, shooting videos, writing scripts, and putting magazines together, I got this crazy idea in my head. I decided that as fun as road-tripping and smoking and drinking my time away with my co-workers was, making money would be even more fun (you can afford to do more road-tripping, smoking and drinking, right?) And that's when I drank the kool-aid. I didn't even know it at the time - I was too ecstatic over doubling my salary overnight.

And that is when I began a career in corporate whoredom. I think I always knew that I was built to work in a world of control-freak, type A+, demanding, dirty, we-eat-our-young corporate types. I just fought it off for as long as I could, scared that my first kill would whet my appetite for more. What I didn't bargain for is the level of gore and destruction I would witness, and how many times I would have to turn my head away and not watch as good people were dismembered, skinned and feasted upon post-mortem.

I've seen careers ended, managers impale themselves on their own swords, clients demanding contracts to be renegotiated, and grown men and women crying in their cubicles.

I intend to chronicle these moments in this blog, with a particular focus on the worst monsters of all - The Bitches.

I don't mean "bitch" in the colloquial way, as in "you're my bitches." Bitch in this context also isn't referring to the way your wife or your girlfriend can sometimes be "a bitch." A bitch in this context is referring to a woman who is an expert at manipulation. A woman who breaks spirits like you break in a new pair of shoes. A woman who has absolutely no moral compass. A woman who hates men but hates women more. If you are a woman who works in the corporate world, you have a Bitch story.

I hope you will find my "Bitch" entries as equally horrifying and hilarious as I have over the years. I invite you to share any of your own!


-G

Virgin Blogger

Here it is. My very first blog. There is something very empowering about knowing that your words are being broadcast to whomever decides to randomly find your blog on some even more random search, but equally intimidating that you need to say something worthwhile (though I think with all the crap that is on the internet these days, what's a little more drivel added into the mix?) I am writing this blog because I realized it had been too long since I had a creative outlet to escape to after hours of corporate whoring. If anyone should find this blog by some act of God, I hope you enjoy. -G